There are more than 10 good things about running. But here are 10 reasons to stay at home.
Dealing with pedestrians. Especially the slow ones
Pedestrians NEVER hear you coming. Even if you had a bell they would never hear you coming. Even if you raise your voice slightly and politely say, “Excuse me,” pedestrians typically feign shock or surprise and tut-tut about how you were going too fast. (Cyclists know this too, except at this point they are usually subject to a physical attack, runners are normally OK when it comes to avoiding being physically attacked by angry people).
Personally I scrape my feet along the ground and use the ‘excuse me’ line. Alternatively:
- Run straight through the middle of the group
- Take a very circuitous route around them (they will typically occupy the full width of the pavement).
- Tut, tut loudly.
- Stop for yet another argument.
Running In The Dark
You’re fair game for errant motorists at the best of times. At night you are just ‘asking for it’. Stay at home and watch ‘Celebrity Bake Off’.
At night it is best to swerve whilst running (ie as if YOU are drunk), this motion will either coincide with the swerve of the drunk driver bearing down on you making them miss or, alternatively, they WILL give you a wide berth especially if they are sober. On the downside you won’t get a PB at night as you run much further with this method.
I find that kerbs and cracks stand out more with street lights. Others are oblivious to the world and fall over, sometimes in front of pizza delivery mopeds. Again, embarrassing (or deadly).
I also wear a flashing LED bike light. Again this WILL make some angry motorists think you are riding a bike on the PAVEMENT and you are then FAR more likely to be targeted by them. They think that cyclists should obey the rules of the road and ride on the road…so that they can then moan about you jumping red lights. (No I don’t, don’t ask).
Running In Icy Conditions In The Winter Is Just Asking For Trouble
I avoid running on ice. Ice is for sliding with polished-bottom shoes like when you were a kid when summers wer sunnier and winters were more slidey (or shoes were cheaper).
Actually I never fall over as I’m dead boring and cautious. The only time I did fall over was when I bumped into a rather attractive fellow runner and struck up a conversation. I fell over twice within 10 minutes as I was not paying attention. Sigh.
Why is it always the small ones? Often the small ones of owners who either say “He’s fine don’t worry” or “She’s never done that before”
Best avoided. ALWAYS.
If they chase you; make a very loud growling noise and they run off.
Well they either run off OR bite your ankles. You’re in a good position here because the dog has chased you and you are a fair way from the owner. You now have the option of kicking the dog. I don’t advocate that. But if you do go down that route the owner will get VERY angry. You can then argue that the dog bit you and the owner will soon realise that it might have done and that the consequence might be that the dog is put down. Let’s face it you’ve done the world a favour as that dog will be wary about attacking the next runner in a hurry. Even if things get out of hand there is NO WAY the owner will EVER catch you.
Apparently the record for dog kicked by a runner is 2.30metres. Impressive.
I have only once been growled at by a hair-on-the-back raised medium sized dog. I was a bit scared but held my growling ground. Between saying that he wouldn’t hurt me the owner was calling him off like mad. Which was nice, but he wasn’t getting anywhere. You could tell the owner that you had a knife and would use it on the dog to defend yourself if you were attacked. That probably won’t help but you will feel better (until you get bit, then you will feel stupid and will probably get arrested soon after to boot)
(PS Dog lovers: I’m vegetarian, I like medium sized dogs particularly. I don’t advocate this and I am joking. But please, keep your dog under control…that last bit wasn’t a joke.)
Wear insect repellent. DEET is the one that works. Citronella is only 25% as effective (ie it doesn’t really work)
If I don’t do this I LITERALLY can be followed by a ‘swarm’ of 100 flies. And they fly faster than I can run. The more you flick sweat the more insects you get.
Disgusting really. I can’t think of anything even vaguely funny to write about this as I have forgotten the DEET 5 times already this year. I remember every second of those 5 times.
Abusive Idiots or people telling you off for no good reason
Well sometimes I do get very riled. My response is along the lines “Look, you seem like a very nice person. I’m a nice person. There are a lot of absolute nutters out there who would beat you senseless for what you have just said to me. Was it worth it? Just think before you open your mouth next time”
Of course this only works on either old people (usually with sticks) or women who are MUCH smaller than you. Anyone else will hit you. Hard. And let’s face it every knows that runners tend to be physical wimps.
Alternatively if you have to say something try “Thank you!! I’ll see you there later tonight”. This will confuse them whilst also giving them a lingering doubt that they might actually know you in some way..
These are good. They stop your thighs rubbing together for a start. If you are a guy you get to hang out with fellow like minded lycra wearers.
This can get dangerous when combined with running at night in areas that are new to you. Either that or you might find a new ‘friend’.
Some people might mistake you for a cyclist if you wear a colourful top as well. Especially if it has pockets.
Probably better than cotton for wicking off the sweat and they might ‘hold you in a bit’
This then leads us on to full length compression tights. Wearing these means that you ALSO cycle by definition. In fact by definition if you wear compression tights then you are a triathlete. Or at least someone who does triathlons from time to time who has a bit of extra cash.
Alcohol is a recovery drink NOR a performance boosting supplement. Act accordingly.
Also if in doubt look at this chunder mile, disgusting.
No-one will make fun of you.
Well no-one who wouldn’t do normally.
Actually no other athletes will make fun of you. Almost all of them will respect the fact that you are on an improvement pathway…just like them.
Just do it!
Checking your watch too often gives you headache and merely shows you what you’ve known all along. You’re not fast enough.
It slows you down. Even on a circuitous course you will spend more time going into the wind than having it behind you (true if you think about it). It make running harder.
As before, stay in and watch the next episode of celebrity bake off.
Drinking Energy Drinks Before Running
They have lots of calories that you need to use otherwise you will get fatter not thinner! They’re OK though on the whole. But training is the best way to get faster.
Farting On A Treadmill
Best done at home.
If in a public place coughing or scraping (again) your feet on the treadmill at least gives you a pretence of not doing it.
Women will probably leave the room, either if you do it or if they are about to do it.
At least no one will smell it above the stink of sweat in the room! They just think they will.
This one applies to guys and girls. I’m not sure of the science but you typically seem to have to run a ‘fair way’ and be sweating. Seems more of a winter thing.
Vaseline or Sudocrem (baby stuff) normally is a great preventative stuff. But you forget, of course, to apply it from time-to-time.
People tend not to point and stare but it’s best to avoid the embarrassment. Maybe that’s a UK thing? I’ve seen someone suffer from the more-than-banked-on-fart whilst running. No-one pointed and started (well I stared, I guess). Maybe I just don’t stare at nipples enough?
Was that 10? Lost count. I’m sure you can think of more…see/add below ::