PARODY: Garmin Fenix 5 – for women, girls and other fellow members of the lesser sex

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Awwww. So sweet. Little old Garmin has developed a watch just for little old me.

Well this girl is not so old but you know what I mean.

What I particularly like about the women’s edition is that the power levels are just that little bit lower than the men’s version AND they come in a prettier font. Sweet!

The reduced power feature will no doubt appeal to Laura Trott-Kenny who can now have those 2 digits of watts displayed in all their cycling glory.

The reduced battery life is also great as I obviously don’t exercise as long as the men do; although Garmin didn’t think that one through. I need a LONGER battery life to display all those texts and call notifications.

I also like the larger buttons on the lesser-sexed version, as sometimes it is hard to press those smaller buttons with longer nails. Although, having said that, the larger buttons means that there is less space available for the spangly shiny diamond crustaceans.

More about the Fenix 5 (here)

@laurengoode normally awesome

Another big plus is that the smaller form factor of the tincey-wincey version won’t catch on my handbag as I reach to get my gels out. Garmin really do think of everything.

I’m not so sure about the 100m IPX rating. Does that apply to saunas/spa? And talking of water resistance; is it treatment resistant? I mean what if I get exfoliation cream on it?

Problem is though that my boyfriend also has girly-wirly wrists. What’s he going to do? He’s obviously a clichéd alpha-male and so wouldn’t be seen dead with women’s gadgets or women’s clothing (well….maybe, sometimes). So he’s just going to have to go around like a caveman dragging his Fenix 5x encrusted lead weight around on the floor like a caveman’s primeval club.

I suspect that the height of a person is linked to wrist size. sure, women are, on average, a couple of inches shorter.

OK, I’ve made my point. It genuinely IS great that Garmin have come up with a smaller version for all people with smaller wrists. Perhaps for some teenagers too, for example?

We do try to keep this blog gender-neutral. Elvie was an obvious exception! – the men can go and click on that and read about vaginas. But sometimes, just sometimes, a rant is needed. Right. Where’s my copy of Vogue? Probably I left it behind last month’s edition of 220 ear rings. Rant over.

To be clear: this article is parodying the coverage given by some other media outlets (see images above and the gallery of shame below) NOT Garmin.

This is how it could be done:


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I was thinking the exact same thing, how the f** their marketing let that message passed out, it’s the shitty and cheaper watch not the women watch, call it the way it is and that’s it!! To all the women out there sorry about the crap you have to endure with this passive agressive attacks of the gadget industry

Having tried on the Vivomove watch, which is also 42mm, the 5s would be a better fit for my wrists…even if it looks “girly”… 😛


I don’t quite have dainty wrists, but they aren’t ham-hogs either. My Fenix 3HR doesn’t look bad, or feel heavy on my wrist (I wear on my left, my offhand..ish) but still, having a smaller version of the watch that basically does everything this does now isn’t a bad thing. The Samsung Gear s3 could have been an alternative (and might be with the under armour support..whatever that becomes), even if it was billed as a chunky smartwatch–it was a perfect form fit for my tastes.

Who knows, maybe the Suunto Trainer is a better fit than the “gargantuan” F5X. That Valencell OHRM is all kinds of sexy…and big can be sexy!