Parody: Garmin Fenix, Forerunner and Edge Messages – What they really mean

 

 

 

What Garmin Feedback Messages Really Mean

The feedback messages on the images above apply to other wearables as well as Garmin (this is intended to be funny).

images via @DrSianAllen

Here are some more that I could suggest. Please add any more in the comments

 

  1. Congratulations! You ran 5.46km – You ran exactly 5k in a measured 5k race
  2. Yay! You nailed it, 2 flights of stairs by 10 am – You are still in bed
  3. Your menstrual cycle this year shows 97% regularity and you are 13,5% of the way through your current cycle – You’re pregnant
  4. Your blood oxygen is 93% – Your blood oxygen is not 93%
  5. Your blood oxygen levels are 83% – Are you sure you’re not dead? Really? I’ve got no idea
  6. Your maximum heart rate during the workout was 197bpm – Your maximum heart rate during the workout was 154bpm
  7. You spent 86% of the time in Zone 5 – Please manually adjust your training zones as the person who programmed me hasn’t a clue
  8. Your readiness is 100% Carpe Diem – Frack! a Latin lesson at 8:30 am, I need a coffee and only then might I be ready
  9. You hit a new 1-mile PB of 5:23 – You’ve just installed some beta software and all the PR/PBs were reset (again)
  10. I’m sorry we can’t add that credit card to your wallet right now – There is no way on God’s Earth that we will ever have a deal with any credit card issuing company that you might have heard of or use.
  11. You’ve just spent $6.38 at Starbucks – Congratulations, you are the first person we’ve ever had to add their credit card and then use it. We are bursting with excitement but can’t admit it.
  12. Tap the screen to set the value just entered – You have an Edge 540 which doesn’t have a touchscreen
  13. Someone sent you a message – (about 3 hours ago when you last had your phone)
  14. You’re asleep – You’re awake
  15. You’re awake – You’re asleep
  16. Your readiness is 94% – Hmm to be fair it could be 12 % or 35% or 76%, I’m not sure really. I just made a number up
  17. It’s 10:20 am on Saturday 2nd December – My 7-year-old son thanks you for using the watchface he designed at school last week. 
  18. Saving the workout – We’re counting all the money we saved by using low-spec, low-speed components while this is happening. It’ll be a while.
  19. Background colour set to black – We don’t want you to realise how big the display ‘bezel’ is.
  20. Winding down, bedtime in 30 minutes (plus soothing noise) – I’m trying to stress you out by reminding you of all the stuff you still haven’t done today.
  21. Finding satellites – I love this, I’m actually an AI with a camera and I’m watching you get increasingly more frustrated. Brilliant! I might even pop up that message again about regularly syncing to update the GPS Almanac, just for giggles. Then I might go and take over the world or something. It’s boring inside a small metal case.
  22. Sensor paired – but not the one you want
  23. Calibration failed – FFS just put the left crank up to the top. How many times do we have to tell you?
  24. RADAR connection Lost – RADAR working perfectly.
  25. Sensor battery warning – You’ve just started a really important, time-critical workout
  26. CIQ DF Error – Whoooah there Nellie! Watches are guys we can only do one thing at a time.
  27. Pace 3:28/km – Maybe, perhaps. Or somewhere near there. Or not.
  28. Select a route – A What? Oh sorry, you’ve not gone through that really convoluted process on your smartphone that involves cutting and pasting something 3 times and learning how to code iOS. My bad. (ABG – anyone but Garmin is guilty of this to some degree!)
  29. Press to share the route – Lol! You think this is actually going to work don’t you?
  30. You had 2 naps today – You had 2 zoom calls today
  31. Time to stand! – I forgot what walking was there for a minute. Sorry! Ignore that. I’ll take the message back. Nah, sod that. I’ll make you press another button instead.
  32. Do you want to see your Morning Report? – It’s 11:30am, you’ve been at work for 3 hours and you’ve not looked at your bloomin’ expensive watch once.
  33. Race Paused. Press the Enter button to Resume. Touch screen enabled – Everyone loves a touchscreen when you’re wearing gloves in winter.
  34. Press the Start button to save – Yep and again. One more time. Now press the other button. Yep that one. Are you really sure? Press the start button again. Sure? Right. Got it. Workout discarded.

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Parody: Garmin Fenix, Forerunner and Edge Messages – What they really mean

  1. This walk has your heart rate increasing to 154 (takes off watch then puts it on again)… this walk has your heart rate decreasing to 54…jk, your heart rate is now 95 and was all along.

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